story

My Dad Blocks Text Messaging on His Phone

Posted by joe@smartideasonline.com

AS OF TODAY OUR CELL PHONE HAS BEEN BLOCKED FOR TEXT MESSAGES.
I noticed on a couple of recent Verizon bills that I had been charged for a text message. I have never sent a text, nor do I even know how to retrieve one, and the same goes for Mom. Therefore, I do not want to receive charges for an unused tool.

You can call me at any time (preferably not after 11:00 pm until 6:00 am, eastern time), but in an emergency you can call any time. I recently was awakened at 1:33am by someone looking for someone named Tanya. I should have told them that Tanya was in my bed and don’t disturb us again, but at that hour I was not too quick on the trigger.
You can also e-mail us because I can access that either here at home or away, and even on my “I Pad”.
Or if you are not in a hurry you can send me a letter or post card.
All calls and messages are cheerfully received and replied to, unless we forget.
Incidentally, I think all the texts we have received were junk mail from advertisers.
Best to you all and love from both Mom and me.

John Wooden’s Creed for Life

Posted by joe@smartideasonline.com
Making the Most of Oneself
·         Be true to yourself
·         Make each day your masterpiece
·         Help others
·         Drink deeply from good books
·         Make friendship a fine art
·         Build shelter against a rainy day
·         Pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day

Happiness Comes From Making and Keeping Nine Promises
·         Promise yourself that you will talk health, happiness and prosperity as often as possible
·         Promise yourself to make all your friends know there is something in them that is special that you value
·         Promise to think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best in yourself and others
·         Promise to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own
·         Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind
·         Promise to forget the mistakes of the past après on to greater achievements in the future
·         Promise to wear a cheerful appearance at all times and give every person you meet a smile
·         Promise to give so much time improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others
·         Promise to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit trouble to press on you

The English Plural according to…

Posted by joe@smartideasonline.com
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.
We take English  for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing,
Grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship…
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing………..
If Father is Pop, how come Mother’s not Mop.??????
Compilation Copyright © Wink Creations

Enduring Eagle

Posted by joe@smartideasonline.com
Dear Joe,

For all the beautiful nature pictures I’ve sent you, these top them all. These are gorgeous pictures and together tell a very cool story. I wonder where this was? I heard the eagle population is growing again in many states.
Love,
Dad

Not only great pictures but a great comment at the end!

The fellow sitting on the tailgate of his pickup truck never realized the show he was missing.

The little duck watches as the Eagle speeds straight at him at about 40 mph.

With perfect timing, the duck always dove and escaped with a mighty splash! Then he’d pop to the surface as soon as the Eagle flew past. This was repeated over and over for several minutes. I worried the poor duck would tire and that would be the end of him.

A second Eagle joins the attack! The duck kept diving “just in time”, so the Eagles began to dive into the water after him!

After several minutes the Eagles got frustrated and began to attack each other. They soon began to dive vertically, level out, and attack head-on in a good old-fashioned game of high-speed “Chicken”. Sometimes they banked away from each other at the last possible second. Other times they’d climb vertically and tear into each other while falling back toward the water. (The duck catches his breath at the right side of this picture.)

A terrible miscalculation! The luckiest shot of my life catches this 100 mph head-on collision between two Bald Eagles.

One Eagle stayed aloft and flew away, but the other lies motionless in a crumpled heap. The lucky duck survived to live another day.

It’s sad to watch an Eagle drown. He wiggled, flapped and struggled mostly underwater.. He finally got his head above water and with great difficulty managed to get airborne. To my astonishment, he flew straight toward me, And it was the most wretched and unstable bird flight I’ve ever seen!

The bedraggled Eagle circled me once – then lit atop a nearby fir tree. He had a six-foot wingspread and looked mighty angry. I was concerned that I might be his next target, but he was so exhausted he just stared at me. Then I wondered if he would topple to the ground. As he tried to dry his feathers, it seemed to me that this beleaguered Eagle symbolized America in its current trials.

My half-hour wait was rewarded with this marvelous sight. He flew away, almost good as new. May America recover as well.

Adam & Eve’s Pets

Posted by joe@smartideasonline.com
Dear Joe,
There are dog people and cat people in the world. We are definitely dog people.
Love,
Dad

Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat . . .

didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

God Created Children

Posted by joe@smartideasonline.com

Dear Joe,
I know you have just spent several hours cooped up in the car with the kiddos. I thought you might get a chuckle out of this. Enjoy the beach!
Love,
Dad

God Created Children (and Grandchildren in the process)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students … here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was “DON’T!”

“Don’t what?” Adam replied.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.

“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve … we have forbidden fruit!”

” No Way ! ”

“Yes way ! ”

“Do NOT eat the fruit ! ” said God.

“Why ? ”

“Because I am your Father and I said so ! “God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked !

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit ? “God asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you ? “said the Father.

“I don’t know,”said Eve.

“She started it! “Adam said.

“Did not ! “

“Did too ! “

“DID NOT ! ”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

  1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
  2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 
  3. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said. 
  4. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
  5. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”!!!!!

Canadian Tax Story

Posted by joe@smartideasonline.com
Dear Joe,
I received this from a Canadian friend I made on that Panama Canal cruise Mom and I took. Ed and I had a good time chuckling over the bureaucracies of our countries.
Love,
Dad

At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the auditor was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company, and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to Revenue Canada, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

Robby’s Night

Posted by joe@smartideasonline.com
Dear Joe,

This is a true story that Bob Simmons sent me. Do I need to tell you it’s worth reading?
Love,
Dad

At the prodding of my friends, I am writing this story. My name is Mildred Hondorf. I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moines, Iowa . I’ve always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons-something I’ve done for over 30 years. Over the years I found that children have many levels of musical ability. I’ve never had the pleasure of having a prodigy though I have taught some talented students.

However I’ve also had my share of what I call ‘musically challenged’ pupils. One such student was Robby.

Robby was 11 years old when his mother (a single Mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys!) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to Robby.

But Robby said that it had always been his mother’s dream to hear him play the piano. So I took him as a student ….. Well, Robby began with his piano lessons and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavor. As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic rhythm needed to excel but he dutifully reviewed his scales and some elementary pieces that I require all my students to learn.

Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and tried to encourage him. At the end of each weekly lesson he’d always say, ‘My mom’s going to hear me play someday.’ But it seemed hopeless. just did not have any inborn ability. I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled but never stopped in.

Then one day Robby stopped coming to our lessons.

I thought about calling him but assumed because of his lack of ability, that he had decided to pursue something else. I also was glad that he stopped coming. He was a bad advertisement for my teaching!

Several weeks later I mailed to the student’s homes a flyer on the upcoming recital. To my surprise Robby (who received a flyer) asked me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and because he had dropped out he really did not qualify. He said that his mother had been sick and unable to take him to piano lessons but he was still practicing ‘Miss Hondorf, I’ve just got to play!’ he insisted.

I don’t know what led me to allow him to play in the recital. Maybe it was his persistence or maybe it was something inside of me saying that it would be all right. The night for the recital came. The high school gymnasium was packed with parents, friends and relatives. I put Robby up last in the program before I was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he would do would come at the end of the program and I could always salvage his poor performance through my ‘curtain closer.’

Well, the recital went off without a hitch. The students had been practicing and it showed, then Robby came up on stage. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair looked like he’d run an eggbeater through it. ‘Why didn’t he dress up like the other students?’ I thought. ‘Why didn’t his mother at least make him comb his hair for this special night?’

Robby pulled out the piano bench and he began. I was surprised when he announced that he had chosen Mozart’s Concerto #21 in C Major. I was not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys, they even danced nimbly on the ivories. He went from pianissimo to fortissimo. From allegro to virtuoso. His suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent! Never had I heard Mozart played so well by people his age. After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand crescendo and everyone was on their feet in wild applause.

Overcome and in tears I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby in joy. ‘I’ve never heard you play like that Robby! How’d you do it? ‘

Through the microphone Robby explained: ‘Well, Miss Hondorf, remember I told you my Mom was sick? Well, actually she had cancer and passed away this morning and well. She was born deaf so tonight was the first time she ever heard me play. I wanted to make it special.’

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed into foster care, noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy and I thought to myself how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil.

No, I’ve never had a prodigy but that night I became a prodigy ….. of Robby’s. He was the teacher and I was the pupil for it is he that taught me the meaning of perseverance and love and believing in yourself and maybe even taking a chance in someone and you don’t know why.

Robby was killed in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April of 1995.

Dog & Piglet Story

Posted by joe@smartideasonline.com

Dear Joe,

Dave Binder sent this my way. Here is another example of the wonders of nature.
Love,
Dad

A giant farm dog and a tiny piglet cuddle up as if they were family after the baby runt was dismissed by its own mother.

Surrogate mum Katjinga, an eight-year-old Rhodesian Ridgeback, took on motherly duties for grunter Paulinchen – a tiny pot-bellied pig – and seems to be taking the adoption in her stride.

Lonely Paulinchen was luckily discovered moments from death and placed in the care of the dog who gladly accepted it as one of her own. Thankfully for the two-week old mini porker, Katjinga fell in love with her at first sight and saved her bacon.

And the unlikely relationship has made the wrinkly piggy a genuine sausage dog. In these adorable images Paulinchen can even be seen trying to suckle from her gigantic new mum.

The two animals live together on a huge 20-acre farm in Hoerstel, Germany, where Katjinga’s owners Roland Adam, 54, and his wife Edit, 44, a bank worker, keep a pair of breeding Vietnamese pigs.

Nose place like home: The baby piglet nuzzles up to its new mum

Property developer Roland found the weak and struggling piglet after she was abandoned by the rest of her family one evening after she was born.

He said: “The pigs run wild on our land and the sow had given birth to a litter of five in our forest. I found Paulinchen all alone and when I lifted her up she was really cold. I felt sure some local foxes would have taken the little pig that very night so I took it into my house and gave her to Katjinga. She had just finished with a litter of her own, who are now 10 months, so I thought there was a chance she might take on the duties of looking after her. Katjinga is the best mother you can imagine. She immediately fell in love with the piggy. Straight away she started to clean it like it was one of her own puppies. Days later she started lactating again and giving milk for the piggy. She obviously regards it now as her own baby.”

Mum of the year? Quite possibly.

Real-Life Jungle Book

Posted by joe@smartideasonline.com

Dear Joe,

I remember Disney’s Jungle Book was one of the first, full-length movies you saw. It’s always been a family favorite.
Love,
Dad

They make an unlikely trio, but Baloo the bear, Leo the lion, and Shere Khan the tiger have forged an unusually strong bond. Considering that they would be mortal enemies if they ever were to meet in the wild, it is stunning to see their unique and genuine friendship in these intimate pictures. Rescued eight years ago during a police drugs raid in Atlanta, Georgia, the three friends were only cubs at the time when they were barely two months old.

They had been kept as status symbol pets by the drug barons.

Delivered to the Noah’s Ark Animal Rescue Centre in Locust Grove, Georgia, the decision was made to keep the youngsters together because of their budding rapport.

‘We could have separated them, but since they came as a kind of family, the zoo decided to keep them together,’ said Diane Smith, assistant director of Noah’s Ark.

‘To our knowledge, this is the only place where you’ll find this combination of animals together.’

Living with the zoo’s founders for the past eight years, Shere Khan, Baloo, and Leo have now moved to a purpose-built habitat where the US public can now witness first hand their touching relationships.

‘We didn’t have the money to move them at first,’ said Diane.

‘Now their habitat is sorted and they have been moved away from the children’s zoo areas where the public couldn’t really get a good look.

‘It is possible to see Baloo, who is a 1000 lb bear, Shere Khan, a 350 lb tiger and Leo, who is also 350 lbs, messing around like brothers.

‘They are totally oblivious to the fact that in any other circumstance they would not be friends.’

Handled by Charles and Jama Hedgecoth, the zoo’s owners and founders, the three friendly giants appear to have have no comprehension of their animal differences.

‘Baloo and Shere Khan are very close,’ says Diane.

‘That is because they rise early, and as Leo is a lion, he likes to spend most of the day sleeping.

‘It is wonderful and magical to see a giant American Black Bear put his arm around a Bengal and then to see the tiger nuzzle up to the bear like a domestic cat.

‘When Leo wakes up, the three of them mess around for most of the day before they settle down to some food.’

Surprisingly for three apex predators with the power to kill with a single bite or swipe of their paw, they are very relaxed around each other.

‘They eat, sleep and play together,’ said Jama.

‘As they treat each other as siblings. They will lie on top of each other for heat and simply for affection.

‘At the moment they are getting used to their new habitat.

‘Shere Khan is quite reticent about the move, but Baloo, the bear, is very good at leading him on and making him feel comfortable and safe.’

Explaining that the three ‘brothers’ have always seemed to share a unique bond, Charles said: ‘Noah’s Ark is their home and they could not possibly be separated from each other.

‘You just have to remember who you’re dealing with when you are with them, though.

‘It’s when you forget that these fellows are wild animals that you get yourself in trouble.’

The trio’s new habitat had to be constructed carefully, in order to accommodate its occupants.

Jama said: ‘The clubhouse had to be very sturdy for the guys, because they all sleep in it together,’

She added: ‘We had to include a creek, because the tiger and the bear both like to be in water.’